There are not many times I step in for Jennifer to help her do things. She is the most amazing woman I have ever meet. I am a devoted reader of this blog and all things that are put in it. She has an amazing writing gift. However, today I feel compelled to step in and finish this blog chapter. I know she loves blogging but I know she feels stuck here. So I submit this to hopefully free her from this hardship.
With out getting into too many details of the how and why's on March 31 at 12:45am we received word that we had a miss carriage at 2 3/4 months. Jennifer and I were crushed. My wife is an amazing mother, wife, and spiritual leader but this just brought us to our knees. How do you react to news of this kind? How do you even respond to it? How on earth do people get through this not knowing Jesus?
To see my wife in the debilitating pain that she was in was tougher then I care to describe. I mean she is the one carrying our baby, feeling our baby, and she is the one that loves that baby. After a long night we were able to go home from the hospital. We spent Saturday in this fog crying sometimes, laughing a little, and holding each other often. My wife said something that amazed me Saturday. She said "I know I should be happy because ultimately our job is not to raise a good, happy, smart, athletic, or successful kid. We are to raise our kids to know and love Jesus, who will go to be in heaven. And our baby is with God in heaven." The words still float in my head. She is right so much of my energy with our two beautiful girls are to make them good or better at counting, talking, behaving, but how much is loving God?
Grace & Faith,
We will always love you no matter what but we do not go by the world's standards of good parenting. I want you to be happy, but I want you to have a relationship with Jesus most of all. For only he can be there for you 24/7 and only he will not let you down. Girls never stop following Jesus even in the worst of time because when things seem darkest is when he is the closest.
During this tragedy I have become aware of two things. One is that we have an amazing group of friends that have surrounded us to support us. While it has been doubly hard to tell people are baby is with Jesus. (At times we wished we had told no one.) Every time I tell someone I feel like I am letting people know its not a sad thing but I will meet my baby in Heaven. Also, being a youth minister has its ups & downs. But there is nothing better then getting a hug from my kids. They can not possibly know how it feels but their hugs have meant the world to me. (Thank you my brothers and sister) Our Church has been equally helpful in just loving us. Thank you.
Second we are so blessed. We have two amazing children who I love. God has given us so much. Ultimately He is in control of out lives. While I struggle mightily with the thought of why....I also know God has a plan and I must trust Him to unfold it for me. He knows my pain and I do my best to trust him in a time when I want nothing more then what I want. But not my will but yours.
To my Baby,
We will never get to meet you here on earth. We will never know if you would have had a temper, were tall, smart, beautiful, or funny. We will never know if you would have been a good singer, dancer, basketball, or softball player. What I do know is your mother and I loved you so much. We never met you but we loved you. It was the worst news we have had ever received when we found out you were gone. But, we know you now are with our Father in Heaven and you know no pain. Someday when the Lord calls us we will get to meet you there. I can't wait to meet you baby. We will always love you.
Love,
Dad & Mom
I am so thankful Jeremy expressed what I couldn't. I am so glad we are walking through this together. Jennifer
