From Jeremy

There are not many times I step in for Jennifer to help her do things.  She is the most amazing woman I have ever meet.  I am a devoted reader of this blog and all things that are put in it.  She has an amazing writing gift.  However, today I feel compelled to step in and finish this blog chapter. I know she loves blogging but I know she feels stuck here.  So I submit this to hopefully free her from this hardship.  

With out getting into too many details of the how and why's on March 31 at 12:45am we received word that we had a miss carriage at 2 3/4 months.  Jennifer and I were crushed.  My wife is an amazing mother, wife, and spiritual leader but this just brought us to our knees.  How do you react to news of this kind?  How do you even respond to it?  How on earth do people get through this not knowing Jesus?  

To see my wife in the debilitating pain that she was in was tougher then I care to describe.  I mean she is the one carrying our baby, feeling our baby, and she is the one that loves that baby.  After a long night we were able to go home from the hospital.  We spent Saturday in this fog crying sometimes, laughing a little, and holding each other often.  My wife said something that amazed me Saturday.  She said "I know I should be happy because ultimately our job is not to raise a good, happy, smart, athletic, or successful kid.  We are to raise our kids to know and love Jesus, who will go to be in heaven.  And our baby is with God in heaven."  The words still float in my head.  She is right so much of my energy with our two beautiful girls are to make them good or better at counting, talking, behaving, but how much is loving God? 

Grace & Faith,

We will always love you no matter what but we do not go by the world's standards of good parenting.  I want you to be happy, but I want you to have a relationship with Jesus most of all.  For only he can be there for you 24/7 and only he will not let you down.  Girls never stop following Jesus even in the worst of time because when things seem darkest is when he is the closest.  

During this tragedy I have become aware of two things.  One is that we have an amazing group of friends that have surrounded us to support us.  While it has been doubly hard to tell people are baby is with Jesus.  (At times we wished we had told no one.)  Every time I tell someone I feel like I am letting people know its not a sad thing but I will meet my baby in Heaven.  Also, being a youth minister has its ups & downs.  But there is nothing better then getting a hug from my kids.  They can not possibly know how it feels but their hugs have meant the world to me.  (Thank you my brothers and sister)  Our Church has been equally helpful in just loving us.  Thank you.

Second we are so blessed.  We have two amazing children who I love.  God has given us so much.  Ultimately He is in control of out lives.  While I struggle mightily with the thought of why....I also know God has a plan and I must trust Him to unfold it for me.  He knows my pain and I do my best to trust him in a time when I want nothing more then what I want.  But not my will but yours.    

To my Baby,

We will never get to meet you here on earth.  We will never know if you would have had a temper, were tall, smart, beautiful, or funny.  We will never know if you would have been a good singer, dancer, basketball, or softball player.  What I do know is your mother and I loved you so much.  We never met you but we loved you.  It was the worst news we have had ever received when we found out you were gone.  But, we know you now are with our Father in Heaven and you know no pain.  Someday when the Lord calls us we will get to meet you there.  I can't wait to meet you baby.  We will always love you. 

Love,

Dad & Mom

I am so thankful Jeremy expressed what I couldn't. I am so glad we are walking through this together. Jennifer

Don't forget to pray!

Today my girls both reminded me to pray. 

At breakfast this morning I was eating a banana. Faith LOVES bananas. Although she had already eaten hers she was trying to beg me to share some of mine. I said, "No, this is mommy's banana." She then folded her hands and began to say, "Nana Nana!" I asked her if she was praying and she replied, "Yes!" (with much enthusiasm) I couldn't resist I shared my banana with her. How simplistic and yet awesome a child's view of prayer. If you need something , or event if you really want something, you can simply ask.

Then we had a little situation at Walmart today. An embarrassing situation if you are a mommy! We had finished our shopping and I took my debit card out and swipe, swipe. But there was no magical reply asking if I would like cash back. After entering my pin twice I realized something was up. I looked down to see a shiny new debit card. 

Let me back up a little. A few weeks ago we received a letter saying our information had been compromised and we would need to get a new debit card. What a pain. Well the cards arrived and I had the new ones, my old ones, and my wallet all sitting on my desk. I had been hoping to sort everything out, activate the new ones, cut up the old ones, etc. Well, we got ready to leave for WalMart and I found my debit card had once again been compromised but this time by the little people who live in my house and like to play grocery store. I located my wallet, stuck my card in, and decided I would go ahead and use the old card one last time so we could leave for the grocery store.

Back to me in the check out line. I looked down to see a shiny new debit card sporting Jeremy's name. Oh, no I had stuck the wrong card in my wallet! Our pin number had also been changed to a random number so I couldn't activate the new card. I now had absolutely no available resources to pay for my full cart of groceries. Have mercy!! So with my very concerned toddler (she had got to pick out chocolate ice cream and she was afraid it might melt at the suggestion of the cashier) I threw the kids in the van and quickly headed to the church to get Jeremy's card. Now this is when the story gets spiritual. I was very flustered and on a time crunch. And then Grace piped up from the backseat. I had to ask her to repeat herself. She said, "Maybe we should pray and ask God for help." Oh, how I love when God uses my children to teach me something! Especially when its something I've been trying to teach them. And so we prayed. And we picked up our slightly melted ice cream. And I'm so thankful God reminded me today that prayer is always available through the vessel of my precious children.

Hearts at Home

This weekend was fabulous! After attending the conference last year I knew I was hooked. This year was especially fun because I didn't have a nursing infant to come along. Friday night we had Abby's wedding shower. It was great to have a night of girlfriend time. And besides having a headache I didn't feel especially icky (yeah!). Then Kristina, Liz, and I stayed in a roach motel. ( I am serious- it was a little scary) But it was worth it because the conference was great. Kristina, Amy, Liz, and I spend the entire day together and were totally impressed minus one workshop that wasn't our favorite. I once again was totally encouraged in my job as a mommy. I remember last year on the way home I cried and felt really overwhelmed that I wasn't living up to my own expectations. Its good to see this year that with the girls having grown a bit I'm not quite as overwhelmed and a little easier on myself. I know this will continue to be an annual tradition for me!