I am typically one to share. I want people to feel like they are on this crazy God adventure with us because in many ways they are. Our family, our small group, our church family have been with us, supported us, prayed for us.
But, its also our very personal journey and this week I couldn't decide where I landed. Did I want people to know how to pray or did I just need some privacy?
Writing for me is like therapy (free therapy!). I sat down and started this post like 3 times but I couldn't find the words to share what is going on in my heart. Because the truth is we are still in the midst of the unknown and we haven't seen God claim the victory YET.
On Monday the family that is paving the way for us shared the sad news that they would have to return from West Africa without their boys. Mistakes had been made and they had no choice but to annul their adoption and begin again. It broke my heart for them and it scared my pants off. They are sacrificing so we and others can come behind.
We are right on their heals and had been hoping to file for our travel approval in the next two weeks. We finally thought we were moving forward. My heart had begun to hope again that we were "getting close." And then in the middle of everything we discovered that there were some unforeseen issues with our adoption agency. I don't want to go in to specifics but the result is that we will most likely need to change agencies. This means more paperwork, more time, more money.
A new agency must be chosen. Fees must be negotiated. Steps done will most likely have to be redone. And we now have no idea when David will come home. And I've teetered on the edge of believing I can do this. I am not a pioneer by nature. I like routine, predictability, and order. And I'm pretty sure that is why God chose to put my son in a country with no established adoption program. Because we aren't just getting a son. We are getting a hands on lesson in trusting God when things are TOTALLY out of our control.
Recently several friends have given birth to their fourth child. In my sinfulness I look and I'm secretly jealous. I think, "So easy. You get pregnant and in 9 months (ish) you get a beautiful baby." But, I know that is a lie. Having experienced the pain of miscarriage I know its not really that simple. And coming up on the one year birthday of my miracle niece I know for a fact that pregnancy is neither simple nor predictable.
And so I choose to believe truth in the midst of painful circumstances. I have reminded myself a million times this week that while we were shocked at all the setbacks God was not surprised. He is sovereign. He sees my hurt. He sees my son. God can overcome. He can make a way where there doesn't seem to be a way (or at least a speedy easy one). I already see glimpses of the good He is going to do. This week a private Facebook group was started for the families on this journey. Already it has brought a new sense of community and greater information sharing. I know that the great stories always make you think things aren't going to work out in the end. And God is a great writer of stories, ones that bring HIM the most glory.
Oh, God make me long for you to get glory the way I long for my son to come home. Take the selfish parts of me and replace them with a desire to serve you even in the hard unknown places. Remind me that I may be fragile, but you are not. Make me an overcomer...
This song totally blessed me this week. If you haven't heard it yet take a listen. Thanks for loving us and praying for us its such a blessing.
