Last night as I was printing my Christmas letter I opened my e-mail to find an e-mail from our agency. It said this, "Haven't heard from you. Are you still proceeding with the adoption from Guinea?" For a moment I laughed as I looked down at my Christmas letter which is centered around that very adoption. It was such an ironic moment.
Let me explain. Our e-mail accounts aren't working. So, our communication through e-mail has been difficult at best. My messages are being forwarded to another account I rarely use. (sort of) So, I don't have access to my address book. About a week ago an e-mail came through from our agency checking on us. I didn't get a chance to respond. And I had to find the original e-mail to respond so I hadn't gotten it accomplished yet. Apparently they were concerned when we didn't respond. I of course immediately responded to that e-mail with a resounding "YES, we are SO close to having our dossier paperwork done you will have it soon."
A simple miscommunication...but can I be transparent with you? Something about that question, the fact that it could even be posed rocked me to the core.
Jeremy and I have found that when we step out of the "boat" in faith there always comes a moment when we, like Peter, catch sight of the waves. And when we take our eyes off Jesus its terrifying. That was the place Satan had me in last night. He was whispering his lies to my heart.
Look at that letter. What if it doesn't happen. What if David doesn't come home? What will you say next year? Your children will be heartbroken.
You know its true. God allows his children's hearts to be broken. There is no guarantee. Can your faith handle that kind of disappointment?
You are working with a nation with a corrupt government. Your agency has only done one completed prior adoption. This orphanage has never done a US adoption.
You are never going to get that paperwork completed.
You can't do this. You are barely holding it together with the the family you have. You are alone.
And my heart was hurting. Satan was using his best bag of tricks. God allows his children's heart to be broken (that's Scriptural). You are working in a very new and uncertain set of circumstances. (thats the facts). You are alone. (lies)
And I was scared. The fact that God allows his children to walk through intense pain and difficult circumstances just terrifies me. And yet I know that no amount of fear can make me walk away. I am already in love. The risk has already been taken now I have no choice but to choose to trust. But, my flesh longs for my faith to be sight.
Friends, we are one piece of paperwork from our dossier being sent to our agency. We are so close. And yet we are still waiting. And it is weighing on me. Somedays it literally feels like I am carrying around that stack of paperwork and it is incredibly heavy on my soul. In some ways its familiar. It feels like the end of my pregnancy when every day is an effort. And is some ways its like a bad dream. Like the one where you know you need to be somewhere, but no matter what you do you can't seem to get there. (For me its a reoccurring dream that I have left our children at home alone and they are about to wake up and discover we are gone. I feel their terror but can do nothing.)
This journey has had its high points. We have seen God direct and provide in ways that bring me to tears.
But, it has also had its lows. We have felt spiritual warfare being waged against our family. It has brought me to tears of fear as well.
Do I need to rest in the Lord and wait for that piece of paperwork? Do I need to call and bother and advocate for my son who is waiting for a family?
I simply don't know.
But, I know that I am not waiting well at the moment. I'm experiencing longing in a new way. Some days I ache for a child I have never held. And I feel like a crazy woman.
But, I know that God is whispering to me. Behind the lies he is saying, "This is how creation longed for a Savior, longed for my Son. This is what Christmas is all about. Immanuel, God with us. Be desperate for my Son, like you are desperate for your son."
I always struggle to share the hard moments. Because I want our story to prompt others to consider adoption not want to run away begging God to choose someone else. But I am trusting that to the Lord. Because God is showing me that I cannot, but He can. Will you pray towards that end? Will you pray that God will bring our son home safely and that we will trust in Him until that day?
