I just couldn't find anything to say.
I even took my plight to FB and got wonderful suggestions from some friends. But, alas I stink at forced creativity. Which is TOTALLY my mom's fault. When I have an idea its good, and when I can't find one and ask others for help I inevitably end up waiting for my own idea because I'm not good at running with someone else's creativity most of the time. (This make my husband adore me and never makes him supremely frustrated when he happens to be the person I'm asking for help!)
What I really needed was to go for a walk with a friend and talk for like twenty minutes until my idea surfaced. Its usually in there somewhere I just need someone to help bring it to the surface. (I said friend because this role frustrates my husband because apparently men don't talk to process. Go figure. Bless my husband for putting up with me!)
And so I "took a walk" over the phone with a friend this week and did some processing. And I knew from the start the reason I didn't have a post idea. Because the thing God wanted me to post about this week I had anchored down and tucked away. But, alas the Lord has made it clear that I should share what he taught me this week.
Right now my spirit is saying, "Boo to transparency!" But I type anyway.
Last week Jeremy and I spent in fasting and prayer. We have been seeking the Lord's direction for our lives. We had been planning this time for over a month and asked a few people to join with us. It sounds very spiritual. However, the week was much less romantic then it sounds. Jeremy was slammed at work. I was up to my eye balls in trying to finish up Orphan Sunday planning. We barely saw each other. We muddled through and prayed individually, but I'm not even sure we got to pray together. And my fast was a total bust. I broke it early because I almost devoured our two smallish children with angry words. I've never done that-the breaking the fast early part- not the angry words part...apparently Satan really doesn't want us listening.
Random Side Note: The Lord was gracious to bring to mind a similar story from Greg Pruett's book Extreme Prayer from when they tried to seek the Lord in prayer. I began reading the book again. You should read it too. I have a copy you can borrow. One of my best reads this year!
Okay, back from the commercial.
I was feeling very discouraged and frustrated. At the end of the week Jeremy and I both felt no closer to making decisions than when we started. We still have no idea what we are supposed to be when we "grow up."
So I was avoiding. Friend One calls Monday. We talk about everything...and she finally asks about how it went. I have nothing. I'm frustrated and discouraged and kind of embarrassed if I'm really honest. Friend Two texts on Tuesday. I don't text back. What am I supposed to say? It was a disaster? Friend Three messages on Wednesday. I ignore again. I'm feeling desperate at this point. I can't avoid them forever.
Enter my Thursday morning quiet time. God broke the silence. I decided to go back through the words and Scriptures that my friends had shared with me the previous week. I had wrote them all in my journal and read them numerous times. I finally admitted what I had already seen the week before. Over and over I saw a similar theme.
The curse words of my spiritual existence.
Wait
Wait patiently
God will honor your waiting upon Him
Wait
Keep on asking
Keep on seeking
Keep your spiritual fervor serving the Lord
Patient in affliction
Faithful in prayer
Joyful in HOPE
Unfortunately the first time around these words didn't leaving me feeling hopeful. They left me feeling despair.
I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE!
(Yes, I sound like a toddler throwing a tantrum but its the truth.)
But Thursday morning God opened my eyes and showed me he didn't give me what I wanted. He gave me what I needed. And every good parent knows that is the best plan. And so I once again sit in hope. Even joyfully. Thankful the Lord didn't forget me. He gave me something in the midst of the crazy.
He gave me answers I needed, even if they weren't the answers I wanted.
So, I'm here waiting. And praying for the patience part. And writing this down so I can remember to be joyful when the truth of the God's word come alive grows cold.
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