Grace's Fish

A couple of weeks ago we had a big event at our house. We became the owners of two goldfish. One of the incentives for Grace to become potty trained was the enticement of getting her very own goldfish. Every trip we made to Wal-Mart we had to go and look at the fish. Well, a few weeks ago on our Thursday night family night we went and purchased our fish. Grace picked out a purple tank. (of course!) We also bought bright colored rocks and something for them to swim through. We decided to get two so both the girls could enjoy the fun. They have LOVED helping feed them each night before bed. And sometimes will even watch them swim until they fall asleep. It has been super fun watching them enjoy their very first pet (our cat doesn't count because she is kind of grouchy!).

Since these original pictures were taken we have gotten a real live plant, from Gramy, to add to the tank. And we had to replace one of the fish. The weekend I was in the hospital we came home to find one of our fish hadn't made it. Needless to say it was a little more than I could deal with at the time! So we opted to have Jeremy go and buy a new fish before the girls returned home. I was worried they would figure it out, because it really looks different, but they didn't. While Jeremy and I both thought this would eventually be a good way to introduce the concept of death we decided this wasn't the right time with everything else going on in our family. So far the fish have been a fun & pretty easy addition to our little family. Grace would really love a dog but we are waiting till she is a little older to take on that challenge...

I am blessed.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot this week. I have really struggled with what to blog. I am so thankful Jeremy wrote the initial post about losing our baby. But I knew eventually I would also have to figure out a way to blog again. How do you write a blog about your ordinary everyday life when nothing feels ordinary? I have been so thankful for all the blessings God has shown me in my everyday life this week.

I am blessed to have an amazing husband.

While only God can provide the strength to get through difficult times like we have experienced Jeremy has been my rock. His support, patience, and love has gotten me through. I am so thankful I married my best friend.

I am blessed to have two healthy beautiful girls.

I have gazed upon my girls with a whole new appreciation this past week. I have been reminded that our children are only on loan from our heavenly father. As a stay at home mom each day I get many loves, hugs, and kisses. But, this week I have fully enjoyed each one.

I am blessed by my community.

Jeremy and I have earnestly prayed to feel like we have a community. One of the challenges of ministry for me is feeling connected to our church family and being able to trust these friendships. Our "big kids," church family, small group, and friends have truly blessed us by being the hands and feet of Jesus this week. God has made his love known to me through these special people.

I am blessed by good health.

One of the biggest shocks I experienced was the exhaustion and inability to care for my family. Due to the miscarriage I have been physically exhausted. I am also restricted from lifting anything over 10 pounds. It has been difficult to allow others to care for my family. I am blessed to be able to cook, do laundry, clean, change diapers, pick up my kids, go up and down the stairs, drive, etc.

I am blessed to know Jesus.

I'm not sure how you survive a miscarriage without the assurance that your child is with God. Its very difficult to physically not know where your baby ends up. I was so comforted by the fact that when our baby died it was with God and it didn't matter what happened to its earthly body. 

As we traveled to the emergency room I repeated the same prayer over and over. Protect my baby, and if that isn't your will than protect my heart, help us to trust your plan for our family. I am trusting God to answer that prayer. That he will show me how to see his special plan for putting together our family. And I can't wait to meet our baby someday in Heaven.

From Jeremy

There are not many times I step in for Jennifer to help her do things.  She is the most amazing woman I have ever meet.  I am a devoted reader of this blog and all things that are put in it.  She has an amazing writing gift.  However, today I feel compelled to step in and finish this blog chapter. I know she loves blogging but I know she feels stuck here.  So I submit this to hopefully free her from this hardship.  

With out getting into too many details of the how and why's on March 31 at 12:45am we received word that we had a miss carriage at 2 3/4 months.  Jennifer and I were crushed.  My wife is an amazing mother, wife, and spiritual leader but this just brought us to our knees.  How do you react to news of this kind?  How do you even respond to it?  How on earth do people get through this not knowing Jesus?  

To see my wife in the debilitating pain that she was in was tougher then I care to describe.  I mean she is the one carrying our baby, feeling our baby, and she is the one that loves that baby.  After a long night we were able to go home from the hospital.  We spent Saturday in this fog crying sometimes, laughing a little, and holding each other often.  My wife said something that amazed me Saturday.  She said "I know I should be happy because ultimately our job is not to raise a good, happy, smart, athletic, or successful kid.  We are to raise our kids to know and love Jesus, who will go to be in heaven.  And our baby is with God in heaven."  The words still float in my head.  She is right so much of my energy with our two beautiful girls are to make them good or better at counting, talking, behaving, but how much is loving God? 

Grace & Faith,

We will always love you no matter what but we do not go by the world's standards of good parenting.  I want you to be happy, but I want you to have a relationship with Jesus most of all.  For only he can be there for you 24/7 and only he will not let you down.  Girls never stop following Jesus even in the worst of time because when things seem darkest is when he is the closest.  

During this tragedy I have become aware of two things.  One is that we have an amazing group of friends that have surrounded us to support us.  While it has been doubly hard to tell people are baby is with Jesus.  (At times we wished we had told no one.)  Every time I tell someone I feel like I am letting people know its not a sad thing but I will meet my baby in Heaven.  Also, being a youth minister has its ups & downs.  But there is nothing better then getting a hug from my kids.  They can not possibly know how it feels but their hugs have meant the world to me.  (Thank you my brothers and sister)  Our Church has been equally helpful in just loving us.  Thank you.

Second we are so blessed.  We have two amazing children who I love.  God has given us so much.  Ultimately He is in control of out lives.  While I struggle mightily with the thought of why....I also know God has a plan and I must trust Him to unfold it for me.  He knows my pain and I do my best to trust him in a time when I want nothing more then what I want.  But not my will but yours.    

To my Baby,

We will never get to meet you here on earth.  We will never know if you would have had a temper, were tall, smart, beautiful, or funny.  We will never know if you would have been a good singer, dancer, basketball, or softball player.  What I do know is your mother and I loved you so much.  We never met you but we loved you.  It was the worst news we have had ever received when we found out you were gone.  But, we know you now are with our Father in Heaven and you know no pain.  Someday when the Lord calls us we will get to meet you there.  I can't wait to meet you baby.  We will always love you. 

Love,

Dad & Mom

I am so thankful Jeremy expressed what I couldn't. I am so glad we are walking through this together. Jennifer

Don't forget to pray!

Today my girls both reminded me to pray. 

At breakfast this morning I was eating a banana. Faith LOVES bananas. Although she had already eaten hers she was trying to beg me to share some of mine. I said, "No, this is mommy's banana." She then folded her hands and began to say, "Nana Nana!" I asked her if she was praying and she replied, "Yes!" (with much enthusiasm) I couldn't resist I shared my banana with her. How simplistic and yet awesome a child's view of prayer. If you need something , or event if you really want something, you can simply ask.

Then we had a little situation at Walmart today. An embarrassing situation if you are a mommy! We had finished our shopping and I took my debit card out and swipe, swipe. But there was no magical reply asking if I would like cash back. After entering my pin twice I realized something was up. I looked down to see a shiny new debit card. 

Let me back up a little. A few weeks ago we received a letter saying our information had been compromised and we would need to get a new debit card. What a pain. Well the cards arrived and I had the new ones, my old ones, and my wallet all sitting on my desk. I had been hoping to sort everything out, activate the new ones, cut up the old ones, etc. Well, we got ready to leave for WalMart and I found my debit card had once again been compromised but this time by the little people who live in my house and like to play grocery store. I located my wallet, stuck my card in, and decided I would go ahead and use the old card one last time so we could leave for the grocery store.

Back to me in the check out line. I looked down to see a shiny new debit card sporting Jeremy's name. Oh, no I had stuck the wrong card in my wallet! Our pin number had also been changed to a random number so I couldn't activate the new card. I now had absolutely no available resources to pay for my full cart of groceries. Have mercy!! So with my very concerned toddler (she had got to pick out chocolate ice cream and she was afraid it might melt at the suggestion of the cashier) I threw the kids in the van and quickly headed to the church to get Jeremy's card. Now this is when the story gets spiritual. I was very flustered and on a time crunch. And then Grace piped up from the backseat. I had to ask her to repeat herself. She said, "Maybe we should pray and ask God for help." Oh, how I love when God uses my children to teach me something! Especially when its something I've been trying to teach them. And so we prayed. And we picked up our slightly melted ice cream. And I'm so thankful God reminded me today that prayer is always available through the vessel of my precious children.

Hearts at Home

This weekend was fabulous! After attending the conference last year I knew I was hooked. This year was especially fun because I didn't have a nursing infant to come along. Friday night we had Abby's wedding shower. It was great to have a night of girlfriend time. And besides having a headache I didn't feel especially icky (yeah!). Then Kristina, Liz, and I stayed in a roach motel. ( I am serious- it was a little scary) But it was worth it because the conference was great. Kristina, Amy, Liz, and I spend the entire day together and were totally impressed minus one workshop that wasn't our favorite. I once again was totally encouraged in my job as a mommy. I remember last year on the way home I cried and felt really overwhelmed that I wasn't living up to my own expectations. Its good to see this year that with the girls having grown a bit I'm not quite as overwhelmed and a little easier on myself. I know this will continue to be an annual tradition for me!

Grace is growing up...

While I was at Hearts at Home I was once again inspired to keep journaling the everyday moments of our family. Today Grace said the most hilarious thing! Jeremy was helping her go potty before nap time. He encouraged her to go potty so she could put her pull up on. She said, "Dad, I'm texting." She had her fake cell phone in her hand and her little fingers were pushing buttons. Oh, my! ( I didn't even know she knew what texting was) Needless to say I am not hoping the teen years come too soon.

Grace's Big Announcement

I wanted to record Grace sharing her big news. She is still convinced we are having a baby boy....we will see! She is VERY excited.

Baby makes 5!

The Humistons will be adding a new member to the family in October.

Monday was my first doctor's appointment. I was so excited. I was a little sad because Jeremy ended up having to watch Grace and Faith and didn't get to go with me. It was kind of funny to see both of the nurses' reactions when they asked if it was my first baby and I said, "No this is my third." The ultrasound revealed our little one and my heart beat faster when I could see the baby's heart beating on the screen. (The wonder doesn't fade-God's gift of life is amazing!) I also enjoyed getting to bring the picture from the ultrasound to show Jeremy (it kind of looks like a lima bean). He was very proud.  

When we told Grace she was so excited and proclaimed, "Baby Boy!" We just laughed and talked about who gets to decide if we have a baby boy or girl. She knew the answer. She replied, "God-I pray." She immediately folded her hands and prayed for a baby brother! It was adorable. She then got the privilege of announcing our big news to all of her grandparents. With each one she said, "Baby boy or baby girl in Mommy's tummy...long long time." And showed off the ultrasound picture. She continues to hope for a brother.

If you want to know how I've been feeling I have been secretly blogging about it here.
I'm Pregnant!

Doctor, Doctor

Counting Down the Days

Grace's Birthday-Part 2

Grace had a great birthday! For her family party she enjoyed making a special purple Birthday cup with Aunt JoJo. Josie came on Friday night and took her out to eat as a special treat. They had tacos & chips n' cheese, her absolute favorite. Her only request for the party was purple punch. And a purple cake with a rainbow. She enjoyed all her gifts and did really great blowing out her candles all by herself this year.

On her birthday we surprised her with streamers and balloons. Watching her open her gift was priceless. It was a big pink tub that contained her very own grocery store. It contained this really cool cash register that scans actual bar code stickers and has a little PA system for making announcements. But when she opened the tub all she saw was the food boxes and cans. (old ones I had recycled with clear tape & superglue) She had this super confused look like, "What is this!" But once she figured it all out she loved it. She was also super excited when the local floral shop showed up with flowers and a Dora balloon just for her from Gramy & Papa. That night we went out to eat & then to a special Parents as Teachers Activity Night. At one station the girls could try on a Pirates jersey & helmet. It was lots of fun.

Grace's 3rd Birthday