Grace's Fish

A couple of weeks ago we had a big event at our house. We became the owners of two goldfish. One of the incentives for Grace to become potty trained was the enticement of getting her very own goldfish. Every trip we made to Wal-Mart we had to go and look at the fish. Well, a few weeks ago on our Thursday night family night we went and purchased our fish. Grace picked out a purple tank. (of course!) We also bought bright colored rocks and something for them to swim through. We decided to get two so both the girls could enjoy the fun. They have LOVED helping feed them each night before bed. And sometimes will even watch them swim until they fall asleep. It has been super fun watching them enjoy their very first pet (our cat doesn't count because she is kind of grouchy!).

Since these original pictures were taken we have gotten a real live plant, from Gramy, to add to the tank. And we had to replace one of the fish. The weekend I was in the hospital we came home to find one of our fish hadn't made it. Needless to say it was a little more than I could deal with at the time! So we opted to have Jeremy go and buy a new fish before the girls returned home. I was worried they would figure it out, because it really looks different, but they didn't. While Jeremy and I both thought this would eventually be a good way to introduce the concept of death we decided this wasn't the right time with everything else going on in our family. So far the fish have been a fun & pretty easy addition to our little family. Grace would really love a dog but we are waiting till she is a little older to take on that challenge...

I am blessed.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot this week. I have really struggled with what to blog. I am so thankful Jeremy wrote the initial post about losing our baby. But I knew eventually I would also have to figure out a way to blog again. How do you write a blog about your ordinary everyday life when nothing feels ordinary? I have been so thankful for all the blessings God has shown me in my everyday life this week.

I am blessed to have an amazing husband.

While only God can provide the strength to get through difficult times like we have experienced Jeremy has been my rock. His support, patience, and love has gotten me through. I am so thankful I married my best friend.

I am blessed to have two healthy beautiful girls.

I have gazed upon my girls with a whole new appreciation this past week. I have been reminded that our children are only on loan from our heavenly father. As a stay at home mom each day I get many loves, hugs, and kisses. But, this week I have fully enjoyed each one.

I am blessed by my community.

Jeremy and I have earnestly prayed to feel like we have a community. One of the challenges of ministry for me is feeling connected to our church family and being able to trust these friendships. Our "big kids," church family, small group, and friends have truly blessed us by being the hands and feet of Jesus this week. God has made his love known to me through these special people.

I am blessed by good health.

One of the biggest shocks I experienced was the exhaustion and inability to care for my family. Due to the miscarriage I have been physically exhausted. I am also restricted from lifting anything over 10 pounds. It has been difficult to allow others to care for my family. I am blessed to be able to cook, do laundry, clean, change diapers, pick up my kids, go up and down the stairs, drive, etc.

I am blessed to know Jesus.

I'm not sure how you survive a miscarriage without the assurance that your child is with God. Its very difficult to physically not know where your baby ends up. I was so comforted by the fact that when our baby died it was with God and it didn't matter what happened to its earthly body. 

As we traveled to the emergency room I repeated the same prayer over and over. Protect my baby, and if that isn't your will than protect my heart, help us to trust your plan for our family. I am trusting God to answer that prayer. That he will show me how to see his special plan for putting together our family. And I can't wait to meet our baby someday in Heaven.

From Jeremy

There are not many times I step in for Jennifer to help her do things.  She is the most amazing woman I have ever meet.  I am a devoted reader of this blog and all things that are put in it.  She has an amazing writing gift.  However, today I feel compelled to step in and finish this blog chapter. I know she loves blogging but I know she feels stuck here.  So I submit this to hopefully free her from this hardship.  

With out getting into too many details of the how and why's on March 31 at 12:45am we received word that we had a miss carriage at 2 3/4 months.  Jennifer and I were crushed.  My wife is an amazing mother, wife, and spiritual leader but this just brought us to our knees.  How do you react to news of this kind?  How do you even respond to it?  How on earth do people get through this not knowing Jesus?  

To see my wife in the debilitating pain that she was in was tougher then I care to describe.  I mean she is the one carrying our baby, feeling our baby, and she is the one that loves that baby.  After a long night we were able to go home from the hospital.  We spent Saturday in this fog crying sometimes, laughing a little, and holding each other often.  My wife said something that amazed me Saturday.  She said "I know I should be happy because ultimately our job is not to raise a good, happy, smart, athletic, or successful kid.  We are to raise our kids to know and love Jesus, who will go to be in heaven.  And our baby is with God in heaven."  The words still float in my head.  She is right so much of my energy with our two beautiful girls are to make them good or better at counting, talking, behaving, but how much is loving God? 

Grace & Faith,

We will always love you no matter what but we do not go by the world's standards of good parenting.  I want you to be happy, but I want you to have a relationship with Jesus most of all.  For only he can be there for you 24/7 and only he will not let you down.  Girls never stop following Jesus even in the worst of time because when things seem darkest is when he is the closest.  

During this tragedy I have become aware of two things.  One is that we have an amazing group of friends that have surrounded us to support us.  While it has been doubly hard to tell people are baby is with Jesus.  (At times we wished we had told no one.)  Every time I tell someone I feel like I am letting people know its not a sad thing but I will meet my baby in Heaven.  Also, being a youth minister has its ups & downs.  But there is nothing better then getting a hug from my kids.  They can not possibly know how it feels but their hugs have meant the world to me.  (Thank you my brothers and sister)  Our Church has been equally helpful in just loving us.  Thank you.

Second we are so blessed.  We have two amazing children who I love.  God has given us so much.  Ultimately He is in control of out lives.  While I struggle mightily with the thought of why....I also know God has a plan and I must trust Him to unfold it for me.  He knows my pain and I do my best to trust him in a time when I want nothing more then what I want.  But not my will but yours.    

To my Baby,

We will never get to meet you here on earth.  We will never know if you would have had a temper, were tall, smart, beautiful, or funny.  We will never know if you would have been a good singer, dancer, basketball, or softball player.  What I do know is your mother and I loved you so much.  We never met you but we loved you.  It was the worst news we have had ever received when we found out you were gone.  But, we know you now are with our Father in Heaven and you know no pain.  Someday when the Lord calls us we will get to meet you there.  I can't wait to meet you baby.  We will always love you. 

Love,

Dad & Mom

I am so thankful Jeremy expressed what I couldn't. I am so glad we are walking through this together. Jennifer